> -----Original Message-----
> From:	Dan Ingalls [SMTP:Dan.Ingalls at disney.com]
> Sent:	Friday, November 12, 1999 1:11 PM
> To:	John-Reed Maffeo
> Subject:	Re: Names of Squeaky Things
> 
	<snip!>
> At least it doesn't smell funny ;-).
> 
> 
Funny you should say that...

Redmond, WA (Royters) - Despite the recent adverse decision in their
anti-trust trial, Microsoft continues to release exciting new technologies.
Today Microsoft announced that members of their research team have made a
breakthrough which will make computer-generated scents a practical reality.
"We think this will make computing more fun and accessible for everyone"
bubbled Microsoft chief Bill Gates at today's announcement.  "We want it to
be in every home, in every office, in every school.  We've committed a lot
of resource to this, and will promote it as an industry standard".  The new
technology, known as ActiveXent (active scent), allows a computer to
generate smells using a new device, similar to an inkjet printer, and
special software provided by Microsoft.  The company expects to integrate
the new technology into its operating systems by mid-2000.  "We'll release
it as an add-on for Windows 2000", said Gates.  "We expect it to improve and
enhance your computer-use experience in new and exciting ways".

The two researchers who developed the technology, Jason "Brain Damage"
Oblonsky and Erno "Wired Man" Schmutz, said that the idea came to them after
a late night of "hard work" at Microsoft Research.  "We'd dropped some acid
earlier in the evening and were enjoying the smells coming from the mood
lighting in the hallway when one of the potted plants suggested that we
should see how the inkjet ink sounded.  We noticed some of the colors
sounded interesting, kind of like, you know, Led Zeppelin playing Nirvana at
triple speed with Madonna doing the vocals.  But it was the music that
smelled really good.  So, after we crashed, we tried to figure out how to
reproduce the effect without chemical augmentation".

The ActiveXent device resembles a small printer, but without paper.  A
Microsoft spokesman explained, "What you do it put three cartridges into it,
similar in size to an inkjet printer cartridge, which contain the basic
smell components.  By releasing these smell components in proper proportions
any smell can be generated.  You want apple pie?  You got it.  You want
chocolate?  You got it.  You want roadkilled skunk?  You got it!".

Industry reactions were mixed.  Pundit Seymour Katt said, "I think this will
propel Microsoft to ever higher sales.  They've got the other guys over a
barrel, and they know it".  Sun Microsystems CEO Scott MacNealy, however,
had another view.  "This whole thing stinks to high heaven.  Our team has a
much better computer scent technology, known internally as Javaroma, which
is networkable, broadly compatible, and can be used with any browser.  We
expect to release this in the near future, as soon as the we can gas up the
HypeMobile and get it rolling again".

In a related story, Redmond police announced today that they had raided
Microsoft's campus and confiscated 14,000 "hits" of LSD, along with large
stocks of mescaline, PCP, and "angel dust".  "This really explains a lot",
said a police spokesman, referring to bugs and problems in Microsoft's
products.  "We figure that the testers were so wasted that *everything*
looked like a bug to them, so after a while they just figured it was all
normal".  A Microsoft spokesman said, in part, "...after a while stock
options just don't cut it anymore, so we had to come up with some 'lunatic
fringe' benefits".

:-)

Bob Jarvis
Compuware @ Timken